7/5/09

It's 2:21 in the morning, and I'm wide awake watching The Emperor's New Groove. I feel like such a little kid this morning. I haven't decided if that's due to my pink and orange tie-dye blanket or the fact that I'm pretending to be a butterfly wrapped up within this bright cocoon. Yesterday was such a headspin. I'm getting really frustrated with people lying and putting all of their shit on me. I don't deserve to constantly take the heat for everything, when I'm unintentionally helping them to get what they want. Oh well, life goes on. The fireworks were great, like usual. The smoke is so overwhelming though. I need to invent smokeless fireworks. Mental note made. My glasses are kind of crooked, and I'm not sure why. I probably fell asleep with them on earlier when I napped the afternoon away semiconsciously. I wasn't able to fully fall asleep because I'm addicted to the History Channel and they had a Haunted Houses special on. I like talking on the phone, especially when conversation just flows. People make me so worried. I don't understand any of you. None. Once I finally think I've got my mind wrapped around your ways and your intentions, you throw me a curveball. Please just stay honest with yourself, because God knows I'll never be the one you're loyal to. My thoughts are so short and spontaneous. I was being Mario earlier. Black comb mustache and all, very authentic. Time to go curl up and look at the moon. Life is good. Even when you stab me in the back and fill my gut with worries and pain way past the level of intensity my sixteen year old mind should be dealing with, life is good. You can't take that away from me.

Postcard Sluts.

Such a pretty picture.
Such a decent price.
Used.
Licked.
Stamped.
And sent on their way.

July Fourth.

Sitting here.
In my neon yellow collapsible chair.
Smoke in lungs.
Colors in air.

Juniper Aurelius.

What a lovely name.
If only my parents had been so creative.
Where did we get stuck in this fad?
Why is it so cool to be so conventional?
Emilie?
Really?
At one point we must've created names.
Pulled them right from the clouds.
We're stuck in this copycat state.
I will not name my children something mundane.
How bland.
How boring.
How predictable.
If we're given the ability to create, why not create?
If we're given the opportunity to unite, why not unite?
Oh, marriage and birth are so beautiful.
To promise a life.
To be solely responsible for a life.
What a gift.
What a precious gift.
How can people throw that away?
How can you disrespect oaths?
How can you abandon your responsibilities?
You shame me.
Even more so than this la-de-da name of mine.

Peach Rings and Arizona Tea.

Life's so simple.
Here, in this moment I'm flying.
Eyes closed, even as I type.
I'm above everything.
The rocking of the car adds to it.
I can feel the wind hitting my face.
I'm a bird, now.
With wings.
With feathers.
My beak opens ever so slightly.
The moon's so bright tonight.
So elegant.
It's rays pry through my eyelids.
Infinite.
In this moment I AM infinite.
Just me.
My peachrings.
And my Arizona tea.
Life has never been so simple.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow could possibly mean healing.
Tomorrow could possibly mean hurt.
Tomorrow is the day it all starts over.
The day the forgiveness bleeds out.
The day butterflies die for good.
The day vomit burns in my chest.
The day tears well up independently.
Tomorrow it's over.
It's all over.
I'm free.

7/3/09

Sometimes I just get so frustrated with the world when I sit down and think about how my hand was already dealt for me. I have absolutely no say in the outcome of my actions, and the results I'll face due to the millions of lives laid down before me. I mean, I really do appreciate you past generations, don't get me wrong. You provided us with endless resources and lessons heaped upon stories and wisdom, but you've created these knots in my chest I could live without. Your insignificant remains bring helplessness to my heart, and I'm terrified of repeating history. Thank you for living and trying and dying, but God damnit you've set me up to fail.